Pills

Now, don't let me deceive you. Just because I don't have a plan doesn't mean I'm not prepared. No, just the opposite, I'm the goddamn Batman. I'm crazy prepared.

Any visit abroad begins with a trip to the school nurse. Her (or his) job is to tell you all the ways you're going to suffer horribly. First and foremost is malaria. Fever, chills, blood poisoning, and the personal disdain of Bill Gates are only a few of the symptoms that await you, all from little prick of a mosquito. There is treatment, but you're better off with a preemptive strike.

The nurse gave me a vial of thick green horse pills, an antibiotic/antimalarial known as Doxycycline. Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, and increased sun sensitivity. On the upside, the antibiotic acts to fight acne, so my charred flaking red skin would be blemish-free.

Mosquitoes also carry parasites that can cause, among other things, Dengue Fever, River Blindness and Elephantiasis (massive rubbery scrotum). Things so scary you'll shit yourself, and there's no prevention or cure besides swimming in bug spray.

Speaking of shitting oneself, she also gave me a prescription for Cipro, a strong broad-spectrum antibiotic. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: "This is for when you get horrible, stomach cramping, mind-bending diarrhea for at least 3 days straight. Not that wussy normal diarrhea you'll have most of the time."
Me: "... wait, you just said 'when', not 'if'."
Nurse: "That is correct. I'm giving you enough for 3 doses. Call when you need more."

There seemed to be a recurring theme. See, I'm no stranger to stomach issues. I've been tested for everything from gluten sensitivity to iron deficiency to irritable bowel syndrome. Just the other day, I had a hot date with a 20-foot camera cable; thankfully, the colonoscopist slipped me a roofie.

Given the circumstances, it's no surprise I didn't want the Doxycycline. So, I saw a different nurse, who gave me a few options. I decided to take Mefloquin, the drug they give soldiers. A small pill, once a week, with no stomach issues or skin sensitivity. In fact, the only major side effects are short-term psychosis and horrifying deep vivid nightmares you have trouble waking up from. And we issue it to our soldiers. With guns.

Now, just add some ibuprofen, pepto-bismol, cough pills, benadryl, water purification pills, Purell, multivitamins that make suppositories look petite, and enough band-aids to patch up our shattered economy, and you have Crazy Prepared.

Oh, and they gave me a vaccine against Yellow Fever, which I think turns you Asian or something.